Monday, April 13, 2015

If Medical Issues Were College Professors

A few days ago I was thinking about how we just can't seem to get rid of the Reactive Airway Disease. For some reason my brain started comparing medical issues to college professors. This is the conversation I came up with. Yes I know, I'm a little strange. ENJOY!

Me: Well Hello Professor Reactive Airway Disease. RAD how are you doing?
RAD: Hello LR. I'm doing well. Glad to finally be here.
Me: Did you have a good winter holiday???
RAD: I did. It was nice to kick back and enjoy some family time.
Me: That's great.  Winter was pretty calm around here. Had to handle a few problems from the GI Department. Professor Gastroparesis decided to shut down the department without telling us. Caused some communication problems that set us back a few days. And of course Dr. Hizentra. For a Professor that only works one day a week she sure can cause a lot of problems. Two weeks ago she even had a breakdown. It's hard to lay the blame on her.  As I'm sure you remember that getting the Immune Department to do anything is nearly impossible; and she can only get in the lab once a week. I'm sure it's stressful. But honestly there wasn't much out of the ordinary around here.
RAD: Well I'm glad to hear your break was normal. But I'm ready to start the new semester. I have big things planed.
Me: You're ready to get back to work you say? Well... um... the Medical Board wants to close down your lab.
RAD: Why?
Me: Well with Professor Laryngomalacia gone we figured you'd want to move on to. He was your mentor. And a real force for disruption. From the very beginning he just kind of barged in and set up his lab. The Medical Board just figured we could close down the Disruption Lab and let the Respiratory Department run its self. After 4 years the Respiratory Department has a learned plenty about handling disruption and difficulty.
RAD: I think I have a lot to teach them without Dr. Laryngomalacia. He focused a lot on the upper airway. I want them to learn disruptions in the lower airway. Maybe even work more with the sinuses.
Me: We were hoping to let the athletics lab expand. And Lower Airway Disruption Lab will really slow down their work.
RAD: It's true that Athletics Labs and Disruptions Labs rarely get along. And Dr. Laryngomalacia was very hard for to work with. Especially for the Athletic Lab. Even the GI Department has issues with him. But I think, no, I know I can do better.
Me: I'm sure you can. Many places have dual Disruption/Athletic labs. But we aren't sure that we want to go that direction.
RAD: Well. I have a 5 year contract and I'm on track for tenure.
ME: That's true. We were thinking maybe you could take a paid sabbatical for the next year. Till your contract is out. The Medical Board is thinking that allergies maybe coming, and you could work in their lab. If we can get the Immune Department up and running properly I'm sure we will still need a consulting Airway Disruption Lab. It wouldn't be full time but it would be steady work.
RAD: You know as well as I do that Disruption Labs are getting harder and harder to find. Especially ones as active as this one. This Lab has slowed down some but there is still daily work to be done here. It is fantastic for training and research. In short I deny your offer. I will stay. I've made up my mind. I had all winter to think about it. I'm ready to take over the lab on my own.
Me: You know this will upset President Squeaker and the Medical Board. They had plans to spend more time with the other departments and working out their problems.
RAD: I know but I love it here. I think there is so much I can teach and do. I know I am probably your least favorite Professor but I am very good at what I do. And I want to keep doing it.
Me: Well. Okay. Then can ask a personal favor?
RAD: Sure you can ask.
Me: Please work with the athletic department.  President Squeaker was really looking forward to a full and active summer. And well, since she doesn't really understand your department I'm the one that gets yelled at. I know that the yelling can expedite your research it is hard on the rest of us. So please try to work with them.
RAD: I'll try. Promise.... now let me tell you about my plans for the up coming semesters.
ME: Ya know what. I think at this point I'd rather it be a surprise.
RAD: Okay. Fine by me. But it's going to be a great summer. I'll see you later.

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