It All Must Go

Growing up Mormon big families are normal. I'm #4 of 5 and Trey is #5 of 6, and we both wanted 5 kids when we got married. We had planned to have kids about 2-3 years apart. Which meant we were going to save baby clothes, toys, and gear. As we gathered items for Squeaker over the years I would carefully store items in totes. Marked by size, and perfectly stacked in closets or under beds. Over the last couple years I've slowly been giving some away and selling some, because we had a lot! Especially when it comes to clothes. Since Squeaker has this thing against growing she often spend 2-3 seasons in the same size. Which means new clothes for each season. There is just so much stuff!!!! And as each problem comes up with Squeaker's health I feel further away from another child.

Two weeks ago I opened a closet to get some sewing stuff and saw the blankets that my grandmother made for my children. She made them when I was a teenager, long before her death. My grandmother made 5 blankets for each of my brothers and me. I had planned on giving one to each of my children. So I opened the closet and there were the blankets, staring me down and begging to be used. A wave of sadness came over me as I thought, I may never use them. About 10 minutes later I realized I could very easily give them to Squeaker for her children. The legacy would live on.

Then about three days ago I started going through clothes to sell for consignment. That was it I broke down and started to cry. I love Squeaker with all my heart and wouldn't change her one bit. I will also be very happy if she is my only child. It still hurts to come to grips with the idea that most likely my family will be much smaller than I had dreamed. Then there is all this baby stuff. Just sitting here mocking me. A toddler bed, toys, a bouncy seat, blankets, clothes, bottles, shoes, cloth diaper, baby gates, all these things just sitting there for who knows how long. So I decided that was it, "It all must go."

Sure there is still a chance we will have more kids. It's not completely out of the question. The
emotional stress this stuff is causing it just not worth keeping it. I would rather spend the money and replace it in a few years than be bogged down for years. With the consignment sale coming up I'll be able to get rid of some of the bigger items for cash. What doesn't sell or isn't worthy to sell will be donated.

I am keeping the heirloom and special items. The blankets friends have family have made, holiday outfits, special dresses, and anything frog :). It is all packed away nice and safe, and then of course anything we are using now or what Squeaker will grow into is nice and safe. The rest is sitting in a pile in the school room. This next week I will be going through everything, organizing for the sale and boxing up stuff for give away.

It has been extremely eye opening about the pain mother must go through when having troubles conceiving or adopting. I just caught of glimpse of it and I was miserable. I also am blessed that I can physically liberate myself from that anguish. I'm sure I'll still have emotional days about it but this will most certainly help. And I have to say I love having almost two whole closets emptied.