Very Tired

We are back to having nasty sleep anxiety issues. Most night I am up past 2 am. 3am is happening a lot too. I'm also still working which means no nap for me. A lot of nights I'm stuck under Squeaker. If I move just a little she wakes, and the process starts over. Thankfully I am blessed with a TV, laptop, tablet, and smart phone. Which means I have access to a lot of things, and I can get a fair deal done. I wish i had more time to sew or do other projects but oh well. She will only be little once. She will only want me around for so long. I'm going to try to enjoy it. 

Hanging On

The nasty no sleep monster has decided to come back for a visit. He's been here almost 3 weeks and

his welcome is worn out. The biggest problem is the lack of cause. We know that Squeaker is un-well but poor sleep is pretty much the only symptom. Her nose has been a little runny but with no cough or serious congestion there isn't a lot we can do about it. We have the humidifier going, essential oils, upped her pain killers, not skipping inhalers, keeping the house cold. It is all helping some but not a lot. She is still waking every 45-90 minutes. There are times when she can get herself back to sleep but most of the time she needs some sort of attention.
So right now I'm in hanging on mode.

At this exact moment I'm in buried mode. I have Squeaker at my right, Zelda at my legs and Raek has plopped his 20lb self on my chest. I wish you could see it. Hahaha.

Oh Squeaker

Oh Sweet Squeaker,
      As we read scriptures last night you asked to cuddle on the couch. Not all that unusual since it was late and you had taken your medicine. But what I wasn't expecting was for you to lay down on my chest. This is a position you haven't wanted to cuddle in for well about a year. I'm pretty okay with that because you are so tall it is a little awkward to have you lay on top of me. What was even more unexpected was that within two minutes of you laying on my chest you had fallen asleep. A deeper, calmer, and easier breathing sleep than I had heard out of you in nearly two months.
     Once Daddy was done reading he turned off all the lights and let us just stay on the couch to rest. As I sat there in the dark I thought about all the nights we had spent in that position when you were younger. How for the first year of your life it was one of the few ways you would sleep. I thought about the fact that sleeping on an incline with you on top of me cause all sorts of problems with my back but it was worth it to let you get some solid sleep. Because I knew there was no way you would grow to your full potential if you didn't sleep.
     In the quiet moments where I was trying to fall a sleep myself I would just listen to you breathe. Such clear, deep breaths, such a rarity theses days, especially while you sleep. Then it hit me, I had been wrong.
     Wrong to force you to try to sleep laying flat. Wrong to not cuddle you all those times you begged for it and I just gave you a bottle so I could go back to sleep. Wrong to not realize that your hourly wake ups were accompanied by gasping for air. Wrong to put my desires before your needs. I'm so very sorry that I made those choices. 
     I resolved to do what you needed for sleep. I didn't expect it to be easy or even comfortable for me, but I was going to do it. I knew it may still take a while to find what worked best but I knew it would be worth it.
     So there I sat in the dark starting to fall asleep with you on my chest. You woke about 2 hours later and I moved you to the bedroom. I stacked up pillow nice and high so your head would be elevated to help with your airway. And sure enough as you fell back asleep with those deep, even, calm, and clear breaths you had on the couch. Then I left you to go do a project. I came back 2 hours later when you woke again. This time I laid down for the night too. Snuggled right up next to you so that you would always have contact and know I was there.
     The rest of the night continued with waking every 2 hours or so and me calming you back to sleep. I couldn't believe you were sleeping for 2 hours at a time. What progress! In the morning I did wake up extremely stiff and not wanting to move but you were happy and calm. Waking up wasn't stressful because you had slept. Which meant that you would be happier the rest of the day.
    Here we are, I'm still stretching out the kinks in my back and you have been calm, happy, and using your words all morning. Fantastic! Not bad for a first night. We will get there my love, I won't give up, and I know you won't either.

Love,
Mommy

Sleeping

Finally after two weeks I thought we had gotten back into a good routine. But Squeaker had other things in mind, and I tell ya 3am is too early for anything.

About two weeks ago Squeaker had a sleep study. The night started out okay. She fell asleep pretty easily and then all the electrodes went on. Yes she slept through it. The tech waited to put the nose sensor in until Squeaker was in a deep sleep. Within seconds Squeaker was awake kicking and screaming. I calmed her back to sleep and the tech tried again. After four tries Squeaker was stressed out had realized all the other stuff stuck to her and wanted it all off.
Squeaker kicked , screamed, thrashed and begged for it too all be over for over an hour. It was very rough and sad. At 2:30 am the doctor ordered the test terminated. Off came all the electrodes and straps, then Squeaker ran to the car in excitement to go home. 3am and we were home. It was way too early to be home :(

The other night Squeaker just had a rough night. It took a long time for her to fall asleep and she tossed a lot. I had no idea what was happening or how to help. So I just snuggled up and went to sleep. 3am and Squeaker woke up and never went back to sleep. It was way too early to be up.